im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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