I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think i got beer on your cat.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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