sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
