Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
