I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
