You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
