Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
