I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
