Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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