Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
