theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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