The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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