Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
