Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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