is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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