man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
