My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
