Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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