I wannas sexs uuuuu
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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