I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
