gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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