when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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