areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
