goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
