my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
