the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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