the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
