Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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