My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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