Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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