oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
