Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
