Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
