I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
