I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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