I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
