its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
