I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
