hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
