I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
