A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
