i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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