The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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