apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
