Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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