mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
