tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
