I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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