He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
