Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
