Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize