New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
