i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sext me about skeletons
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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