i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
