College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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