ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
