Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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