i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
