i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
