I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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