I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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