Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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