so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
